Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this just has baby written all over it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
