Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Operation Purity has been aborted
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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