Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
