How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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