dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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