Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
