I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
