I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
