This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
