the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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