We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
