When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize