I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
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most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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