He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
