are you so shy because you have an std?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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