So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
