the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
