my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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