Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Never underestimate the power of titties
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
