I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
