so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
