Christians are straight up FREAKS
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
