It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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