Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's never too late to be topless.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
