Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
