Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
