My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
