FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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