I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
