just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My ass is underappreciated
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
