Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
