I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
