My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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