I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
