he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
