someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
