Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
