god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
