You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
