He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
