Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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