If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
