Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
