i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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