Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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