i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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