I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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