I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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