You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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