Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
