This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
