recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
