'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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