Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
